As The Donald Turns
WASHINGTON, DC - FEBRUARY 16: U.S. President Donald Trump calls on a reporter during a news conference announcing Alexander Acosta as the new Labor Secretary nominee in the East Room at the White House on February 16, 2017 in Washington, DC. The announcement comes a day after Andrew Puzder withdrew his nomination. (Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images)

We had to come back as quickly as we could with a new episode of As The Donald Turns. The staff just needed time to remember how to blink and pull our chins up off the floor after what we witnessed Thursday afternoon. Today’s episode is “Stunned.”

As The Donald Turns: “Stunned”

Donald had plans to introduce his new pick for Secretary of Labor since Mr. Happy Star bailed out yesterday when he realized even the Republicans on the committee did not like him. What happened though was, allegedly, at the last moment, Donald decided to turn it into a press conference. He then transformed. President Trump became Frank Costanza, and all of a sudden, instead of a press conference, we had “Festivus!” If you don’t know the Seinfeld reference, well…..I don’t even know what to say to you, but we will help you out. The cantankerous Frank, played brilliantly by Jerry Stiller, made his own holiday, “Festivus, for the rest of us.” It was strictly designed so that people could air their grievances with one another. That is exactly what Donald did Wednesday….for an hour and 15 minutes!!!!!

• “The leaks are real, the news is fake.” So it is true there are leaks from his administration, but the news covering them is fake. I mean where do I go with this? Is the information fake? Then don’t worry about the leaks. But if you are worried about the leaks, that means they are real and damaging in which case the news of them is real. You can’t make up your own facts, Donald.

• The travel ban had a smooth rollout. Yep…in Donald land it did. Sure the director of homeland security said it was flawed. Sure the senior advisors said it was flawed. But Donald said it was smooth except that they got a bad court and that ruined it. He even blamed the Delta Airlines computer meltdown for the problems, forgetting that it happened days after the Muslim ban was announced.

• He compared the leaks of the information on Russia to the allegations of sexual harassment against him. Really. I swear he did. He talked about how there were all these allegations during the campaign, but then the women eventually dropped their lawsuits and said “We like Trump.” I know I am supposed to have a funny line after that and for the love of all that is holy I am just stunned by the dots being connected that way.Are the Russians the sexual harassment women in this scenario?

• He said the leaks are illegal. Ok, I am going to keep howling about this. Donald has sworn 7 ways to Sunday that no inappropriate phone calls took place with the Russians. If that is the case, then the leaks are not illegal. The leaks only become potentially illegal if they reveal classified information. So which is it? Were the phone calls that were done before you were president inappropriately full of classified chatter, in which case you are lying about them? Or were they random calls of no consequence in which case the leaks are legit. Which way would you like to be wrong??????

• On multiple occasions, He said he does not watch the news, (which we know is a lie because Maggie Haberman has seen that he watches three hours of news every morning before he goes into the office), and he singled out CNN and MSNBC for being the worst news outlets. Wait….I thought you didn’t watch the news? What the heck?????? Ironically, later on, after repeatedly saying he does not watch the cable news outlets because they are so bad, he specially pointed out CNN’s 10pm, (east coast time), show as being particularly bad. That would be Don Lemon in case you do not know. Donald says they never have pro-Trump people on, even though the show made household names out of fools like Kayleigh Mcenany and Katrina Pierson. So Donald does not watch but he can tell you which shows are the worst. Makes sense. Of course he pointed out that he likes Fox and Friends on weekday mornings. Why wouldn’t he? The three coffee klatch hosts have a combined IQ of the couch they sit on. Besides Donald was a weekly call-in guest on the show for more than a year…every Monday morning for an unedited, unfiltered anti-Obama rant until he declared his candidacy. So if you want to know which shows you hate, Donald has the TV guide memorized flat. Just give him a call. He can usually be found wandering the halls of the residence in his bathrobe at night.

• He took stabs at CNN head Jeff Zucker for running a biased news network, but again…Donald does not watch.

• Donald said the leaks are because people are still trying to undo how bad Hillary did in the election. I really swear, he needs to lean over and look at the presidential seal on the podium. Dude, you won….stop trying to campaign and start acting like a president.

• Just to make sure everyone else knows he won, Donald, yet again, touted his historic Electoral College margin of victory. He did as an answer to a question with Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau earlier this week and he did it in response to a question during his time with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The media was finally ready to call BS on the claim.. Peter Alexander of MSNBC was called upon and he asked Trump why he touts false numbers. Alexander started to recite President Obama’s electoral numbers. Trump interrupted that he meant it was historic among Republican candidates. Alexander then pivoted in nimble fashion and recited GWB’s numbers and GHWB’s numbers, all of which were higher than Donald’s. Since he didn’t know how to handle someone dealing in facts, Donald rolled with, “That’s what I have been told. I saw it somewhere and that is what people have told me.” Hey people have told me I look George Clooney, but I fact check and see it is not true. Come on, Donald, Google is your friend.

• Back to the issues of Russia and General Flynn’s phone calls to the ambassador; a reporter asked Donald if he instructed Flynn to make those calls. No, he said, because he was doing his job and he knew what to do. The reporter clarified, did you tell him to make the calls and discuss the sanctions? No, but I would have if he was not already doing it. Whoa…hold the phone here….you would have told him to violate the Logan Act if he were not already doing it? Where do I go with that? Try Richard Nixon in a 1973 interview admitting that he did not tell his staff to break into the psychiatrist’s office of Daniel Ellsberg,, but he would have if they had not already been doing it. Ouch! The similarities between the two are becoming more real by the week.

• Reporter April Ryan got a shot at a question. Donald was complimentary of her. Why is that so weird? Because she is the reporter from the Urban Radio Network who was threatened with a damaging dossier earlier this week by henchman Omarosa. Ryan asked Donald what he was going to do about his campaign promise to help the inner city issues in the country. Donald said he is ready but cannot get any help. She asked if he had met with the Congressional Black Caucus. Hold on to your seats here. Donald asked if Ryan, the reporter could set up the meetings. “Do you know them?” Donald asked. Goodness gracious sakes alive Donald. Not all black people know each other. It’s not a club. They don’t have a secret handshake. Did you ask Omarosa if she knows them too? Son Donald says he can’t get a meeting with Elijah Cummings or anyone else from the black caucus but he assumes a reporter may be able to help because she is black. Hey, maybe Donald can invite Frederick Douglass. Donald hears he has been doing great things that are just now getting recognized.

• Donald had the gall to say he inherited a mess when he took over. Let’s put this in perspective. Obama inherited an economy just days away from worldwide calamity, 8% unemployment, an auto industry that was teetering on bankruptcy, the ongoing fallout from the housing crisis…..Donald has had a freaking walk in the park by comparison.

• At the conference with Prime Minister Netanyahu, Donald was asked about the rise in anti-Semitic activity since his election. Donald, of course, quoted the incorrect electoral college stats. Today, Donald called on a reporter from a Jewish Magazine, who essentially asked the same thing. Donald cut him off in mid question and told him to sit down. He then said is the least racist person anyone knows and he is the least anti-Semitic person anyone knows. You know what usually comes after those sentences, right? I have a friend who is black. I have a son-in-law who is Jewish. Anything beyond that would be fake news.

• Donald wanted to leave everyone with warm fuzzies about the country, and told the media that that his administration has accomplished more in the first month than any other president in history and that it is a well-run machine. Ok, let’s take a quick peek. In the first month, he has signed a Muslim ban that the federal courts overturned because it was unconstitutional. He has lost his nominee for Labor Secretary because even his own party hated the guy. He has fired the acting attorney general allegedly for not upholding the illegal Muslim ban, but really for outing the fact his National Security Adviser had problematic ties to the Russians. His NSA chief was fired allegedly for lying to the Vice President about the phone calls, but we found out today he lied to the FBI which is a felony. Tonight, his replacement choice for the NSA post, Vice Admiral Robert Haward, said thanks but no thanks. He does not want within 100 yards of the circus.

You know what? Donald is right. That takes a lot of work to fail that much in just 30 days.

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