We have seen President Trump do so many one-on-one interviews over his two-plus years in the White House. Most of them have been with stenographers who pose as journalists at Fox. Others have been with regular network folks. Still, we are routinely perplexed at how challenging questions are left on the table. We get that it must be daunting to interview the president, any president. And no reporter wants to lose their White House access. So, the follow-ups are not asked and the answers are not challenged. That is where your valiant crew at As The Donald Turns comes in. We decided it was our turn to take a stab at the “interview” process with the president, (or at least as we envision it). This episode, “The Interview.”
As The Donald Turns; The Interview
ATDT: President Trump, we thank you for taking this time today.
POTUS: I had a very busy executive time today. We are doing a very big amount of lots of things, and they are going to be beautiful, and special for the American people, and I wanted the chance to discuss them with you.
ATDT: Before we get to all of those things you are working on, we’d like to ask about the Mueller probe.
POTUS: That is an awful witch hunt! The worst in American history. It is presidential harassment, is what they call it. People say they have never seen anything like it. All because Hillary lost!
ATDT: Mr. President, we hate to interrupt, but it is a fact that many from your campaign staff and inner circle have either been indicted, charged, or pleaded guilty. Doesn’t that mean this was not a witch hunt?
POTUS: The biggest witch hunt ever! There has been no collusion. Senator Burr, highly respected as a legal genius, said they found no collusion.
ATDT: Excuse us sir, but that was just one senator, not his entire committee, and you didn’t really answer our question. Many in your inner circle have been caught. You promised America you always hired the best people. Were these the best people?
POTUS: Yes, they were the best. Paul Manafort only worked for me for about 12 days….
ATDT: Excuse us sir, but he ran your campaign for nearly six months….
POTUS: Excuse me, excuse me….he had a minor role for a few weeks, but he was the best when he did it. Not so good before and not so good after but he was the best campaign chairman ever for those weeks. Everyone tells me they never saw anything like it.
ATDT: And what about General Flynn ?
ATDT: Mike Flynn? Worked on your campaign? Served as National Security Advisor? Turned out he was a foreign agent while he was sitting in on intel meetings for the US?
POTUS: Never heard of him. Must have been a lower level guy. You know we get these people who wanted to hang around the campaign so they can write a book later.
ATDT: What about Michael Cohen? He was part of your inner circle for decades, but committing numerous federal crimes in your name and on your behalf while he was part of that inner circle.
POTUS: He was a low-level legal assistant, like a paralegal, they call them. He was a great legal guy and then I found out he recorded me. So, it turns out he really was not very important. I don’t know if he even had a law license. Other people told me I should hire him and I felt sorry for him because he worked for a cab company or something…..
ATDT: Uh, sir, he borrowed money from the Russian mob to buy New York taxi franchises.
POTUS: Exactly. He drove cabs or something and I took him off the streets, and then he recorded calls…very disloyal and a bad lawyer….so I think he is driving cabs again, I don’t know.
ATDT: Ok, this is going nowhere. Let’s change subjects. Sir, when the attorney general gets the Mueller report, you likely will be in Vietnam meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. What are your goals for the second summit?
POTUS: Well as you know, Barack Obama had nearly pushed the nuclear button on North Korea prior to leaving office. His finger was on the button at one point, but my button is bigger.
ATDT: Uh, excuse us sir, but there is zero proof that is true.
POTUS: Well many people have told me that I am completely responsible for ending North Korea’s nuclear program. Kim Jong Un says I am like a very tan uncle to him and he trusts me, and everything we have done has worked. North Korea can be a wealthy nation someday, and they have stopped launching missiles.
ATDT: Sir, we have this list; the US, India, China, France, Russia, Great Britain, Israel and Pakistan. They also are not launching missiles, because they have completed nuclear programs. They have no need to launch test missiles. Doesn’t it seem likely that North Korea now belongs on that list.
POTUS: Yes! Exactly, no country is ever testing missiles since I took over as president. I have changed all of it. The world trusts the United States again for the first time since Andrew Jackson was president. He was a great president, you know. He helped the Indians move to new lands, and only in places like Texas and Kansas do the textbooks give him credit for it. And now, no one is firing nuclear missiles, and everyone is saying they have never seen anything like it because of me.
ATDT: Ok, sir. They have not been firing the missiles, because they have full nuclear capability and so now does North Korea, but we will move on. Sir, this is a difficult subject to discuss. There seems to be a gap between many of your statements, and the truth. You said you ordered FEMA to withhold aid to California disaster victims unless the state changed its forest practices. FEMA acknowledged today that it never got any order. You have said here are at least 25 million undocumented immigrants in the country, but your own Department of Homeland Security says it is closer to 11 million. You have not told the truth about illegal votes, crime in El Paso, and certainly not the border wall. In your campaign, you kept saying Mexico would pay for it, and now you are holding the American taxpayer hostage. Have you betrayed your supporters?
POTUS: My supporters are the greatest! We have rallies and they are the biggest crowds ever in those arenas. You saw that we had 30,000 people inside and out in El Paso.
ATDT: Sir, according to the local authorities you had 10,000, inside and out.
POTUS: No, they were trying to keep the number low, because they support that Beto guy, but my crowds are the biggest and they support me no matter what I say. They buy MAGA hats and chant about the wall. It’s going to be built and it doesn’t matter who pays for it because my supporters only care about what I tell them is important because they know that people say I am the most successful president ever.
I have given them a chance to shout out loud about what is on their mind and believe they are right and no other president has ever done that and they turn into the biggest crowds any president has ever had. Tomorrow I will be giving a speech about the fake news…the fake news is what I call it except great journalists like Lou Dobbs, and Tucker Carlson, and Sean Hannity, and those people that sit on the couch in the morning. They are all the real media. But my supporters that know I am the one source to believe.
ATDT: Mr. President, this interview has been equal parts frightening and enlightening. We now understand the danger of follow-up questions and will just quit while we are behind. Thank you for your time.
POTUS: I will review your work tomorrow on Twitter.